Weekend bender 

Today is a hard day! A has been on a bender for 3 days now. It started on Thursday when he started drinking again. He had been going to CA and had been doing really well. I’m not even sure what triggers it but something does. 

On Thursday night he was screaming in my face and I’m ashamed to say I slapped him. I couldn’t handle the fact I had drove him around all night and he was screaming in my face and speaking to me like that. I can’t handle that because of past experiences. Maybe I’ll go into them at some point when I am ready. Anyway A jumped out of my moving car and then basically broke into my house at god knows what hour. Then last night, even though I was meant to go out he decided he was more important and disappeared. Again tonight he has done the same. 

Although I have been graced with a phone call threatening to make me homeless if I didn’t transfer money straight away. I’ve been getting lovely texts as well. Sometimes I just don’t get it. I have stood by his side more than anyone else in his life, I have picked him up when he is down and celebrated when he has been sober and happy. For some reason I feel like he hates me. Like there is something about me that makes him drink? Is it my fault? Or is he just trying to find an excuse? I’m not sure anymore but I tell you what it really does make you feel worthless and lonely. 

I’ve spent all night looking at my son thinking how lucky I am to have him. How beautiful he is but my heart is also heavy for him that he has a father who would rather drink and go on benders than be here to give him a bath. 

This post was a bit of a ramble to be honest but I needed to get it off my chest. 

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