It’s a funny thing apologising because people use it so flippantly. People say sorry when they don’t even mean it…but why?
For anyone who lives with an alcoholic they may relate to this. You see A doesnt drink from the moment he wakes up; he is what you call a functioning alcoholic. He can work all day but the moment he finished work he feels he has a sense of entitlement to have a drink ‘because he has worked so hard’. That sentence really irritates me! Yes he does manual work but why does that mean he works any harder than me or a nurse or fireman for example. A went on a bender all weekend from Thursday to Sunday. I eventually called him on Sunday to remind him that he has a son and responsibilities and he better get in his car and come back otherwise I would go mad!
Anyway, once A has enough and is done with his bender I get what is known as the guilty apology. He tells me how sorry he is, how he knows he is a terrible person and how I deserve so much better. He is going to get help and change and how he can’t live without me and my son. I genuinely think for that split second he believes that. He thinks he will change but there is part of him reading off a memorised script as he thinks it will get him back into the house and out the dog house.
Sometimes he stops drinking for weeks and sometimes it’s days. The thing what he doesn’t realise is that the best form of apology is not the guilty one, it’s changed behaviour. I’m not an addict, I don’t know how difficult it is not to have a drink but surely being with your family forever is more important than going to the pub.
A has fairweather friends who are there for the drinking but won’t be there when he really needs them, unlike me.
Someone once said to me don’t make promises when you are happy or a decision when your mad. Well, I don’t think A should speak when hungover.
Apologies….not sure I trust them!