I’m not naive I know that beating addiction is not an easy thing. I know that an addict has to want to change themselves and understand they have an addiction before changes can actually take place. I suppose sometimes I do fall into the trap of ‘come on there is so much you can do to get help’ I’m not an addict so I can’t begin to understand the hold it has over someone but I still can’t help but have the thoughts of ‘why can’t you get better for us?’
A has started going to meetings on 3 separate occasions and each time after a very insignificant amount of time he stops going as he thinks he is ‘cured’. A still hasn’t come to terms with the fact he will be an addict for the rest of his life. No matter whether he has been clean for years he will always, ultimately, be an addict.
It hurts me to think that the happiness he feels when he is sober and how much better our family life is, is not enough to make him want to completely stop and do everything in his power to do that.
I have come to terms with the fact that this relationship needs to end and that myself and my son will be better off not living with A any longer. I think the reason I have stuck around so long is because I have been petrified of what will happen to A if we aren’t around. I have realised that I can’t worry about that anymore because A does not consider us when he is on one of his benders.
My piece of mind has been robbed on so many occasions and the amount of nights I have cried myself to sleep, well there has been many I haven’t been able to keep count. You see, whilst he is destroying his body and his life he is also destroying his one support system. There comes a point when I have to value myself more and remove myself from a toxic situation. Sunnier days are ahead, I can just about feel the sun on my skin. I just hope that A follows the same path…