I haven’t blogged in a while. Sometimes I just can’t do it because I worry I will jinx myself or I just can’t bring myself to write what’s happened.
Things have been up and down with A (he’s the addict ex for anyone just reading)! One minute he is kind and helpful and the next he isn’t. We had come to an agreement that when he sees our son he does it sober but it was pointless making that agreement because it just hasn’t happened.
On top of his issues with alcohol he has also started smoking weed now. He thinks I was born yesterday because when I question him on it he tries to tell me he is just tired. Yeah fucking right!
Anyway, he didn’t pay me the money for our son the other week so has to give me a large amount this week. We had a massive heart to heart over how the money isn’t for me it’s for our son and let’s try and keep his life as stable as possible. You see I’m a working mum, I work 37.5 hours a week. On top of that I no longer have a car so have to walk for 40 minutes in the morning before I’m even on a train. I explained to A that if he doesn’t pay for our son then I will have to quit my job and go on benefits. That our son wouldn’t be able to go to my childminders house which he loves so much, that I wouldn’t be able to do the things I do for him now and it would disrupt his life even more so than this situation already has. A agreed that our son is separate to any issues we have. Well it seems that view has completely changed.
Saturday night I went out with my old work colleagues and it’s the first time I have been on a night out since march. I don’t ever go out I always have my son. I get home and A had been looking after my son. My flat was an absolute tip! Despite A sitting there all night with nothing to do he made me flat disgustingly messy. He also called me asking me for money saying the cats had taken the chicken off the side. Queue Sunday morning and I see how bad the flat is, he has taken money off me and is using my food for his lunch. Bearing in mind we don’t live together, aren’t in a relationship and I’m the single parent with rent and bills to pay. So I call him and say that it’s out of order. Well you would think I tortured his whole sodding family! He screamed at me that I was cunt and put the phone down.
Last night he magically rings me off Facebook, turns out he has taken my kindle, and verbally abuses me for 25 minutes. During that phone call he said the words that I have always though. He told me he didn’t care about our son, didn’t care about me. That I had done it this time and he wouldn’t be giving me anymore money and me and my son could live on the streets and be homeless for all he cared. He told me to shut my fucking mouth like a good little girl. He screamed and screamed at me and when I cried he laughed. Right at that moment I realised that this person had been taken over by addiction so badly that no longer could he be rational, no longer could he see the difference between an innocent child and himself. Right there in that moment he severed any thread I held to remain in a friendship with him for the sake of our son.
You see, I’m a human and I make mistakes like anyone else but one thing I would never do is choose myself over my son. He will always be first and I will always be last. We deserve better than a half hearted human who thinks it’s ok to kick us when we are down and think that turning up a few days later and apologising will cure everything he has ever done.
Right there in that moment I let go, I let go of him, of the hurt he caused, of letting him get me upset because holding is more painful than walking away.