Sit down and shut your mouth…

I haven’t blogged in a while. Sometimes I just can’t do it because I worry I will jinx myself or I just can’t bring myself to write what’s happened. 

Things have been up and down with A (he’s the addict ex for anyone just reading)! One minute he is kind and helpful and the next he isn’t. We had come to an agreement that when he sees our son he does it sober but it was pointless making that agreement because it just hasn’t happened. 

On top of his issues with alcohol he has also started smoking weed now. He thinks I was born yesterday because when I question him on it he tries to tell me he is just tired. Yeah fucking right! 

Anyway, he didn’t pay me the money for our son the other week so has to give me a large amount this week. We had a massive heart to heart over how the money isn’t for me it’s for our son and let’s try and keep his life as stable as possible. You see I’m a working mum, I work 37.5 hours a week. On top of that I no longer have a car so have to walk for 40 minutes in the morning before I’m even on a train. I explained to A that if he doesn’t pay for our son then I will have to quit my job and go on benefits. That our son wouldn’t be able to go to my childminders house which he loves so much, that I wouldn’t be able to do the things I do for him now and it would disrupt his life even more so than this situation already has. A agreed that our son is separate to any issues we have. Well it seems that view has completely changed. 

Saturday night I went out with my old work colleagues and it’s the first time I have been on a night out since march. I don’t ever go out I always have my son. I get home and A had been looking after my son. My flat was an absolute tip! Despite A sitting there all night with nothing to do he made me flat disgustingly messy. He also called me asking me for money saying the cats had taken the chicken off the side. Queue Sunday morning and I see how bad the flat is, he has taken money off me and is using my food for his lunch. Bearing in mind we don’t live together, aren’t in a relationship and I’m the single parent with rent and bills to pay. So I call him and say that it’s out of order. Well you would think I tortured his whole sodding family! He screamed at me that I was cunt and put the phone down. 

Last night he magically rings me off Facebook, turns out he has taken my kindle, and verbally abuses me for 25 minutes. During that phone call he said the words that I have always though. He told me he didn’t care about our son, didn’t care about me. That I had done it this time and he wouldn’t be giving me anymore money and me and my son could live on the streets and be homeless for all he cared. He told me to shut my fucking mouth like a good little girl. He screamed and screamed at me and when I cried he laughed. Right at that moment I realised that this person had been taken over by addiction so badly that no longer could he be rational, no longer could he see the difference between an innocent child and himself. Right there in that moment he severed any thread I held to remain in a friendship with him for the sake of our son. 

You see, I’m a human and I make mistakes like anyone else but one thing I would never do is choose myself over my son. He will always be first and I will always be last. We deserve better than a half hearted human who thinks it’s ok to kick us when we are down and think that turning up a few days later and apologising will cure everything he has ever done. 

Right there in that moment I let go, I let go of him, of the hurt he caused, of letting him get me upset because holding is more painful than walking away. 

I can be strong, I will be strong and one day I will look back and realise just how strong I am. 


The olive branch

I haven’t blogged in a while because things have been crazy. Me and A have fully split up and myself and my son now live on our own in a little masionette. A’s addictions have got worse but that’s not really a surprise. 

I can’t remember if I blogged about this before but I fell out with A’s dad when I refused to pay A’s debt off. I didn’t want to pay the debt of someone who I knew would fuck me over. He would forever be that mans son but I couldn’t trust he would be in mine and my sons life. 

Anyway, move to today and at 4.20am his two brothers call me. First of all I thought something bad had happened but then they just kept going on and on about how they were worried about A. It confused me as they never bother. They never come and see my son, never call me to see how we are so I was confused over their sudden interest in someone else’s well being other than their own. 

The phone calls continued for the whole day until we managed to get hold of A. Being a nice person and not wanting to hold a grudge, I offered for one brother and the dad to come to my house with A and see Freddie. I practically ran me and Freddie home, sacrificed my dinner to make sure the house was tidy and sat here with my little boy waiting. 2 hours later I get told they are no longer coming because the brother has turned up blind drunk. Would seem like the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree at all. A can’t see why I am upset, cannot see why I am spitting feathers. 

I’m hurt they couldn’t make the effort for my son. I’m hurt that getting drunk is more important than seeing an innocent little child. I am also massively annoyed with myself for offering that olive brand and allowing that stupid fucking family to affect me again. I sit here watching my little angel sleeping and keep thinking I will never ever let anyone let you down. 

I’ve gone mad over the phone but who wouldn’t? Why should we be put on the back burner. If my family did that I would kick them out and run round to see my son. I wouldn’t sit there all night when I haven’t seen my son for days and turn up when he is asleep just to pick up a charger. 

Tonight I will make a promise to myself to follow my gut and not let people in who I know will just let us down. Tonight I will let the anger go that I feel and realise it is their loss and not mine. Tonight I will finally say goodbye to that family. 

Goodbye and good riddance as I throw that olive branch out the window! 

How do you like your abuse in the morning?….

So this morning I wake up and come downstairs with my little boy and A is still here. When I mention him being paid and us paying the rent you would think I’d just said that I’d murdered his family in the most awful way! Even though he is the one that has got us into massive debt which means we hardly have any money, apparently I’m the big C word! 

He called me that with my little boy in ear shot and screamed at shouted at me at 6.30 this morning. Now I have to go to my parents and ask them to lend me money so I can pay my rent and buy food because A is more interested in having money to be able to go to the pub with his silly little mates. 

Last night he told me he wished I could go to the pub with him and socialise. I’m at a loss here. This man told me 2 weeks ago he felt like he was one step away from dying and that he has an addiction but now that addictions not convienent! Why would I enable him and go and sit down the pub with someone who verbally abuses me and threatens to make me homeless. When I said I can’t do that he basically made out I was boring. At the moment I don’t feel like I can win. I feel like I’m lost in a massive forest where everything looks the same and I’m going round in circles. 

I just keep holding onto the fact that in a couple of weeks time I am moving into a home that is just mine and my sons. That we will have a fresh start and a new beginning. My son just told me we will have a new car and a fireman sam! Here’s hoping! 

The end…..for the 100th time

I haven’t blogged in a while because things have been very confusing and I haven’t really known what to say. A, I thought, had he rock bottom. He worked away for a week and spent the whole time basically high and drunk and didn’t really do his job. Although A’s morals are not great his work ethic is one to be jealous of so for him to be messing his job up means he really is in the grip of addictions. Not only that when he came back I found out he had got with another girl whilst he was there. He also found out when he got home that me and my son are moving. 

Funnily enough he then decided he wanted to change, he had the power to do it and he didn’t need anyone else and went into super nice mode. Doing everything around the house, making me lunch and dinner, sending me lovely text messages. Even agreeing to renting a room near by me and my son so he could spend more time with him. Then Friday came and it was sunny and here I am the next morning where he isn’t home and I’ve been threatened with him never supporting us financially ever again. 

A cannot lie to save his life, told me he was one place but I knew he was another and when he is caught out, rather than admitting he makes even more lies. 

I transferred money out of his account but not for myself, to pay our bills. I know when he starts to go on benders he spends money like water flowing through a Sieve. I transferred it so that we could actually pay our rent but he can’t see that. 

Last night was a massive realisation for me that actually A doesn’t care about me at all or have any respect for me so why should I care back. Why should I cry and be stressed? I need to learn to let it go and not affect me anymore but it’s so hard to find out that you have been living with an imposter. An actor has been living in my home and is the father to my child! I know, as a mother, I have to walk away completely this time. I move at the end of the month into a nice little place for me and my son and it’s our fresh start! Because of that fresh start I am going to have more of a positive attitude. So everyday I will list things I am grateful for and put positivity out into the universe whilst A can drink himself into the gutter. 

Things I am grateful for:

My son, my family, my job, my animals, the roof over my head and the food on my table. 

What are you grateful for today?