I haven’t blogged in a while because things have been crazy. Me and A have fully split up and myself and my son now live on our own in a little masionette. A’s addictions have got worse but that’s not really a surprise.
I can’t remember if I blogged about this before but I fell out with A’s dad when I refused to pay A’s debt off. I didn’t want to pay the debt of someone who I knew would fuck me over. He would forever be that mans son but I couldn’t trust he would be in mine and my sons life.
Anyway, move to today and at 4.20am his two brothers call me. First of all I thought something bad had happened but then they just kept going on and on about how they were worried about A. It confused me as they never bother. They never come and see my son, never call me to see how we are so I was confused over their sudden interest in someone else’s well being other than their own.
The phone calls continued for the whole day until we managed to get hold of A. Being a nice person and not wanting to hold a grudge, I offered for one brother and the dad to come to my house with A and see Freddie. I practically ran me and Freddie home, sacrificed my dinner to make sure the house was tidy and sat here with my little boy waiting. 2 hours later I get told they are no longer coming because the brother has turned up blind drunk. Would seem like the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree at all. A can’t see why I am upset, cannot see why I am spitting feathers.
I’m hurt they couldn’t make the effort for my son. I’m hurt that getting drunk is more important than seeing an innocent little child. I am also massively annoyed with myself for offering that olive brand and allowing that stupid fucking family to affect me again. I sit here watching my little angel sleeping and keep thinking I will never ever let anyone let you down.
I’ve gone mad over the phone but who wouldn’t? Why should we be put on the back burner. If my family did that I would kick them out and run round to see my son. I wouldn’t sit there all night when I haven’t seen my son for days and turn up when he is asleep just to pick up a charger.
Tonight I will make a promise to myself to follow my gut and not let people in who I know will just let us down. Tonight I will let the anger go that I feel and realise it is their loss and not mine. Tonight I will finally say goodbye to that family.
Goodbye and good riddance as I throw that olive branch out the window!
So this morning I wake up and come downstairs with my little boy and A is still here. When I mention him being paid and us paying the rent you would think I’d just said that I’d murdered his family in the most awful way! Even though he is the one that has got us into massive debt which means we hardly have any money, apparently I’m the big C word!
He called me that with my little boy in ear shot and screamed at shouted at me at 6.30 this morning. Now I have to go to my parents and ask them to lend me money so I can pay my rent and buy food because A is more interested in having money to be able to go to the pub with his silly little mates.
Last night he told me he wished I could go to the pub with him and socialise. I’m at a loss here. This man told me 2 weeks ago he felt like he was one step away from dying and that he has an addiction but now that addictions not convienent! Why would I enable him and go and sit down the pub with someone who verbally abuses me and threatens to make me homeless. When I said I can’t do that he basically made out I was boring. At the moment I don’t feel like I can win. I feel like I’m lost in a massive forest where everything looks the same and I’m going round in circles.
I just keep holding onto the fact that in a couple of weeks time I am moving into a home that is just mine and my sons. That we will have a fresh start and a new beginning. My son just told me we will have a new car and a fireman sam! Here’s hoping!
I haven’t blogged in a while because things have been very confusing and I haven’t really known what to say. A, I thought, had he rock bottom. He worked away for a week and spent the whole time basically high and drunk and didn’t really do his job. Although A’s morals are not great his work ethic is one to be jealous of so for him to be messing his job up means he really is in the grip of addictions. Not only that when he came back I found out he had got with another girl whilst he was there. He also found out when he got home that me and my son are moving.
Funnily enough he then decided he wanted to change, he had the power to do it and he didn’t need anyone else and went into super nice mode. Doing everything around the house, making me lunch and dinner, sending me lovely text messages. Even agreeing to renting a room near by me and my son so he could spend more time with him. Then Friday came and it was sunny and here I am the next morning where he isn’t home and I’ve been threatened with him never supporting us financially ever again.
A cannot lie to save his life, told me he was one place but I knew he was another and when he is caught out, rather than admitting he makes even more lies.
I transferred money out of his account but not for myself, to pay our bills. I know when he starts to go on benders he spends money like water flowing through a Sieve. I transferred it so that we could actually pay our rent but he can’t see that.
Last night was a massive realisation for me that actually A doesn’t care about me at all or have any respect for me so why should I care back. Why should I cry and be stressed? I need to learn to let it go and not affect me anymore but it’s so hard to find out that you have been living with an imposter. An actor has been living in my home and is the father to my child! I know, as a mother, I have to walk away completely this time. I move at the end of the month into a nice little place for me and my son and it’s our fresh start! Because of that fresh start I am going to have more of a positive attitude. So everyday I will list things I am grateful for and put positivity out into the universe whilst A can drink himself into the gutter.
Things I am grateful for:
My son, my family, my job, my animals, the roof over my head and the food on my table.
What are you grateful for today?