The end…..for the 100th time

I haven’t blogged in a while because things have been very confusing and I haven’t really known what to say. A, I thought, had he rock bottom. He worked away for a week and spent the whole time basically high and drunk and didn’t really do his job. Although A’s morals are not great his work ethic is one to be jealous of so for him to be messing his job up means he really is in the grip of addictions. Not only that when he came back I found out he had got with another girl whilst he was there. He also found out when he got home that me and my son are moving. 

Funnily enough he then decided he wanted to change, he had the power to do it and he didn’t need anyone else and went into super nice mode. Doing everything around the house, making me lunch and dinner, sending me lovely text messages. Even agreeing to renting a room near by me and my son so he could spend more time with him. Then Friday came and it was sunny and here I am the next morning where he isn’t home and I’ve been threatened with him never supporting us financially ever again. 

A cannot lie to save his life, told me he was one place but I knew he was another and when he is caught out, rather than admitting he makes even more lies. 

I transferred money out of his account but not for myself, to pay our bills. I know when he starts to go on benders he spends money like water flowing through a Sieve. I transferred it so that we could actually pay our rent but he can’t see that. 

Last night was a massive realisation for me that actually A doesn’t care about me at all or have any respect for me so why should I care back. Why should I cry and be stressed? I need to learn to let it go and not affect me anymore but it’s so hard to find out that you have been living with an imposter. An actor has been living in my home and is the father to my child! I know, as a mother, I have to walk away completely this time. I move at the end of the month into a nice little place for me and my son and it’s our fresh start! Because of that fresh start I am going to have more of a positive attitude. So everyday I will list things I am grateful for and put positivity out into the universe whilst A can drink himself into the gutter. 

Things I am grateful for:

My son, my family, my job, my animals, the roof over my head and the food on my table. 

What are you grateful for today? 

Stop crying….you’re pathetic

Is it pathetic to cry? If you cry because you are sad or someone is hurting you are you pathetic to cry? Are you weak? 

I have always been someone that has worn my heart on my sleeve. I will happily cry at Eastenders and not be ashamed of it but lately A has started to make me feel that I’m pathetic because I cry. 

My heart genuinely hurts, it’s hurts for the love I have lost, for the fact my son will never truly have his dad 100% and for the fact that my best friend would rather drink than be happy. I regularly hear him say to ‘stop crying…you’re pathetic’ i know it’s his guilt and every tear that he watches fall ends up in his pool of shamefulness but should he still be saying this to me? 

Some people say this is emotional abuse and I guess in a way it is but no one should ever be made to feel pathetic because they cry. I would never look down on someone because they cried over a sad situation or even a happy one. It’s such a natural human emotion sometimes to a very unnatural situation. 

Is me crying pathetic or is he pathetic for not understanding the hurt he causes? I’m think I’m starting to know the answer to that question…..

Why does it still bother me?

I ask myself all the time why it still affects me that A goes on these benders or says nasty things to me. Why do I still get so worked up over the things he does and says? Sometimes I feel like I’m a pushover and maybe the fact I clearly don’t have respect for myself means he doesn’t have respect for me? 

Sometimes I think no, I’m a good person to stick by you and support you even if it is making me ill. I would have thought after all the things he has done it wouldn’t hurt anymore, it would be like water off a ducks back but it isn’t. I’m getting better at handling the betrayal and the lies but they still cut deep. 

I’m trying to stop this and change my life by listening to speeches about positive thinking. By hoping that if I change my mindset then my life will change. From tomorrow I will be trying to do 7 days of positive thinking…..wish my luck ūüôā

The guilt apology 

It’s a funny thing apologising because people use it so flippantly. People say sorry when they don’t even mean it…but why? 

For anyone who lives with an alcoholic they may relate to this. You see A doesnt drink from the moment he wakes up; he is what you call a functioning alcoholic. He can work all day but the moment he finished work he feels he has a sense of entitlement to have a drink ‘because he has worked so hard’. That sentence really irritates me! Yes he does manual work but why does that mean he works any harder than me or a nurse or fireman for example. A went on a bender all weekend from Thursday to Sunday. I eventually called him on Sunday to remind him that he has a son and responsibilities and he better get in his car and come back otherwise I would go mad! 

Anyway, once A has enough and is done with his bender I get what is known as the guilty apology. He tells me how sorry he is, how he knows he is a terrible person and how I deserve so much better. He is going to get help and change and how he can’t live without me and my son. I genuinely think for that split second he believes that. He thinks he will change but there is part of him reading off a memorised script as he thinks it will get him back into the house and out the dog house. 

Sometimes he stops drinking for weeks and sometimes it’s days. The thing what he doesn’t realise is that the best form of apology is not the guilty one, it’s changed behaviour. I’m not an addict, I don’t know how difficult it is not to have a drink but surely being with your family forever is more important than going to the pub. 

A has fairweather friends who are there for the drinking but won’t be there when he really needs them, unlike me. 

Someone once said to me don’t make promises when you are happy or a decision when your mad. Well, I don’t think A should speak when hungover. 

Apologies….not sure I trust them! 

Why am I not good enough? 

So A is still on his bender! Last night he threatened me with not paying towards the rent and making me and my son homeless if I didn’t transfer money straight away. Apparently I’m a psycho bitch as well which is nice and he can do what he wants. 

It’s funny because when someone has an addiction and they are so involved in their addiction they see you as the bad person. A sees me as a bad person because I’m trying to help him. I’m trying to make it so he still has his son in his life. I don’t have an addiction so I don’t understand the power of it but if I thought I would lose my son and I would my shit out pretty sharpish. 

I spent some time last night wondering why I’m not good enough? Why doesn’t he want to change to make me and My son happy? Why is our love not strong enough to make him see how lucky he is? And then I realised it isn’t me! I am good enough! He is the one with the problem. He is the one with the beer goggles on. 

I don’t think A realises that if he continues like this he will be on his own for a very long time. Either that or he will find someone who is weak and vulnerable that he can spin a load of bullshit to. 

What hurts me the most though is that it feels like he doesn’t care about my son at all. That having that drink or potentially that line gives him more satisfaction than seeing my son laugh or getting a cuddle off him. 

Then again, I guess that’s addiction for you? 

Where it may have begun…

Trigger points

I suppose I should start with my Dad! My god I love my Dad so much. My Dad had his faults and he was an alcoholic but when he wasn’t drinking, my real dad, was the loveliest, most generous person you could ever meet. A proper east end gem!

My mum and dad split up when I was very young. He was a bit of a ladies man and all his life suffered with issues; like bulimia and alcoholism. I believe he may have gone through a period of his life taking a lot of speed but I wasn’t aware of that situation.

My Dad lived a fast lifestyle and, as such, when I was a small child I didn’t see him regularly. He would turn up every few weeks, throw a load of toys or money at me and that would be it. He never paid my mum maintenance and my mum was my dad as well in a way. You see my dad had things happen to him as a child that made him the way he was.

I remember being scared of seeing my Dad on his own because of his drinking and unpredictable behaviour. He married a lady who was an alcoholic and from that his drinking became dependant rather than social or occasional. It was after this I wouldn’t see him too much on my own. Well that was until I reached teenage years and became the stroppiest bitch in town and would answer back.
I knew if my Dad was calling me after 4pm that he was drunk and I was going to get a lot of verbal. Sometimes he would have ridiculous requests like I got in a helicopter with him to visit my uncle in the south of the country. Sometimes I genuinely thought he believed he could get that helicopter to hover over my house and let down a ladder for me to climb up. He also made my step mums life very hard. She stuck by him through thick and thin and he took her for granted.

My Dad could drink copious amounts of brandy, on the rocks may I add, without being drunk. He was over 20 stone and had a belly that looked like he was carrying quads. I remember him tapping his belly and saying ‘cost me a lot of money to make this’.

Eventually he had a stomach bypass and lost a large amount of weight and from that he found a lump in his neck. I’m guessing you know where this is going but my Dad passed away just before Christmas nearly 8 years ago. In some ways I feel cheated because I didn’t get close to my Dad until later in my life. I feel I missed out and only got some of the worst parts of my Dad when he was drinking. I just wanted his time and not his money. I remember writing a letter which I never sent. It was after one of his drunken ramblings. I said if you don’t sort it out you won’t live to see your grandchildren and he didn’t. He wasn’t here to see my son being born. That kills me every day. I will never ever get over that he wasn’t here and isn’t here.

Some people believe that once something happens you follow a pattern. That there is a trigger point in your life which leads you to making the same decisions. Maybe I’ve ended up with an addict because I’m searching for my Dad? Or maybe it’s all I know? I’m not sure.

I just hope I’m making my Dad proud…