The guilt apology 

It’s a funny thing apologising because people use it so flippantly. People say sorry when they don’t even mean it…but why? 

For anyone who lives with an alcoholic they may relate to this. You see A doesnt drink from the moment he wakes up; he is what you call a functioning alcoholic. He can work all day but the moment he finished work he feels he has a sense of entitlement to have a drink ‘because he has worked so hard’. That sentence really irritates me! Yes he does manual work but why does that mean he works any harder than me or a nurse or fireman for example. A went on a bender all weekend from Thursday to Sunday. I eventually called him on Sunday to remind him that he has a son and responsibilities and he better get in his car and come back otherwise I would go mad! 

Anyway, once A has enough and is done with his bender I get what is known as the guilty apology. He tells me how sorry he is, how he knows he is a terrible person and how I deserve so much better. He is going to get help and change and how he can’t live without me and my son. I genuinely think for that split second he believes that. He thinks he will change but there is part of him reading off a memorised script as he thinks it will get him back into the house and out the dog house. 

Sometimes he stops drinking for weeks and sometimes it’s days. The thing what he doesn’t realise is that the best form of apology is not the guilty one, it’s changed behaviour. I’m not an addict, I don’t know how difficult it is not to have a drink but surely being with your family forever is more important than going to the pub. 

A has fairweather friends who are there for the drinking but won’t be there when he really needs them, unlike me. 

Someone once said to me don’t make promises when you are happy or a decision when your mad. Well, I don’t think A should speak when hungover. 

Apologies….not sure I trust them! 


Why am I not good enough? 

So A is still on his bender! Last night he threatened me with not paying towards the rent and making me and my son homeless if I didn’t transfer money straight away. Apparently I’m a psycho bitch as well which is nice and he can do what he wants. 

It’s funny because when someone has an addiction and they are so involved in their addiction they see you as the bad person. A sees me as a bad person because I’m trying to help him. I’m trying to make it so he still has his son in his life. I don’t have an addiction so I don’t understand the power of it but if I thought I would lose my son and I would my shit out pretty sharpish. 

I spent some time last night wondering why I’m not good enough? Why doesn’t he want to change to make me and My son happy? Why is our love not strong enough to make him see how lucky he is? And then I realised it isn’t me! I am good enough! He is the one with the problem. He is the one with the beer goggles on. 

I don’t think A realises that if he continues like this he will be on his own for a very long time. Either that or he will find someone who is weak and vulnerable that he can spin a load of bullshit to. 

What hurts me the most though is that it feels like he doesn’t care about my son at all. That having that drink or potentially that line gives him more satisfaction than seeing my son laugh or getting a cuddle off him. 

Then again, I guess that’s addiction for you? 

Weekend bender 

Today is a hard day! A has been on a bender for 3 days now. It started on Thursday when he started drinking again. He had been going to CA and had been doing really well. I’m not even sure what triggers it but something does. 

On Thursday night he was screaming in my face and I’m ashamed to say I slapped him. I couldn’t handle the fact I had drove him around all night and he was screaming in my face and speaking to me like that. I can’t handle that because of past experiences. Maybe I’ll go into them at some point when I am ready. Anyway A jumped out of my moving car and then basically broke into my house at god knows what hour. Then last night, even though I was meant to go out he decided he was more important and disappeared. Again tonight he has done the same. 

Although I have been graced with a phone call threatening to make me homeless if I didn’t transfer money straight away. I’ve been getting lovely texts as well. Sometimes I just don’t get it. I have stood by his side more than anyone else in his life, I have picked him up when he is down and celebrated when he has been sober and happy. For some reason I feel like he hates me. Like there is something about me that makes him drink? Is it my fault? Or is he just trying to find an excuse? I’m not sure anymore but I tell you what it really does make you feel worthless and lonely. 

I’ve spent all night looking at my son thinking how lucky I am to have him. How beautiful he is but my heart is also heavy for him that he has a father who would rather drink and go on benders than be here to give him a bath. 

This post was a bit of a ramble to be honest but I needed to get it off my chest. 

Where it may have begun…

Trigger points

I suppose I should start with my Dad! My god I love my Dad so much. My Dad had his faults and he was an alcoholic but when he wasn’t drinking, my real dad, was the loveliest, most generous person you could ever meet. A proper east end gem!

My mum and dad split up when I was very young. He was a bit of a ladies man and all his life suffered with issues; like bulimia and alcoholism. I believe he may have gone through a period of his life taking a lot of speed but I wasn’t aware of that situation.

My Dad lived a fast lifestyle and, as such, when I was a small child I didn’t see him regularly. He would turn up every few weeks, throw a load of toys or money at me and that would be it. He never paid my mum maintenance and my mum was my dad as well in a way. You see my dad had things happen to him as a child that made him the way he was.

I remember being scared of seeing my Dad on his own because of his drinking and unpredictable behaviour. He married a lady who was an alcoholic and from that his drinking became dependant rather than social or occasional. It was after this I wouldn’t see him too much on my own. Well that was until I reached teenage years and became the stroppiest bitch in town and would answer back.
I knew if my Dad was calling me after 4pm that he was drunk and I was going to get a lot of verbal. Sometimes he would have ridiculous requests like I got in a helicopter with him to visit my uncle in the south of the country. Sometimes I genuinely thought he believed he could get that helicopter to hover over my house and let down a ladder for me to climb up. He also made my step mums life very hard. She stuck by him through thick and thin and he took her for granted.

My Dad could drink copious amounts of brandy, on the rocks may I add, without being drunk. He was over 20 stone and had a belly that looked like he was carrying quads. I remember him tapping his belly and saying ‘cost me a lot of money to make this’.

Eventually he had a stomach bypass and lost a large amount of weight and from that he found a lump in his neck. I’m guessing you know where this is going but my Dad passed away just before Christmas nearly 8 years ago. In some ways I feel cheated because I didn’t get close to my Dad until later in my life. I feel I missed out and only got some of the worst parts of my Dad when he was drinking. I just wanted his time and not his money. I remember writing a letter which I never sent. It was after one of his drunken ramblings. I said if you don’t sort it out you won’t live to see your grandchildren and he didn’t. He wasn’t here to see my son being born. That kills me every day. I will never ever get over that he wasn’t here and isn’t here.

Some people believe that once something happens you follow a pattern. That there is a trigger point in your life which leads you to making the same decisions. Maybe I’ve ended up with an addict because I’m searching for my Dad? Or maybe it’s all I know? I’m not sure.

I just hope I’m making my Dad proud…

Fosters Mistress

The ramblings of a third wheel

Let me start by saying I no means feel like my situation is worse than anyone else’s. There are people in this world who are going through much worse things than living with an addict! There are also people who have been in relationships with addicts for a longer period of time than I have but, the thing is, I have had addicts in my life my whole life. My Dad, my ex-step dad and now the father of my child.
I’m not an expert in addiction, I don’t pretend to know the ins and outs. I just wanted somewhere to release my aniexty I guess in an annoymous format. So that someone may read this who is going through the same and will realise they are not alone. That how they are being made to feel isn’t crazy. The conflict of emotions inside isn’t abnormal.

I am going to do my best to keep me and my family annoymous. I will change people’s names and maybe not put some finer details in just in case.

You might think why the hell do I care about what’s going on in your life and you are completely right. Why should you care? It’s just there might be someone out there exactly like me, feeling exactly how I may feel and knowing that’s a normal way to be feeling may ease the pain just slightly.

I suppose I need to explain a little about me. I’m in my 20s, I work full time and I am a mum to an amazing son. I have the most beautiful family around me and I am very very lucky to have them. I suppose sometimes I take them for granted but I try my hardest not to. I work full time in an office and I have been with my partner for over 3 years. For ease I am going to call him A throughout my blog posts. A as you can tell by now is an addict, he is a sly addict to the point where I’m not entirely sure of everything he is addicted to but I’m thinking mainly drink and potentially cocaine. This is the problem with addicts, they are like an iceberg. The ones who aren’t ready to get help only tell you what’s above the surface not what’s lurking below.

I’m also not going to list off every bad thing A has ever done to me but I will explain some situations. In a way this is going to be like therapy for me. A way to say my deepest darkest thoughts without being judged.

You’ll get to know me more throughout my posts but for now I am the third wheel in a relationship which only involves two people…x