How do you like your abuse in the morning?….

So this morning I wake up and come downstairs with my little boy and A is still here. When I mention him being paid and us paying the rent you would think I’d just said that I’d murdered his family in the most awful way! Even though he is the one that has got us into massive debt which means we hardly have any money, apparently I’m the big C word! 

He called me that with my little boy in ear shot and screamed at shouted at me at 6.30 this morning. Now I have to go to my parents and ask them to lend me money so I can pay my rent and buy food because A is more interested in having money to be able to go to the pub with his silly little mates. 

Last night he told me he wished I could go to the pub with him and socialise. I’m at a loss here. This man told me 2 weeks ago he felt like he was one step away from dying and that he has an addiction but now that addictions not convienent! Why would I enable him and go and sit down the pub with someone who verbally abuses me and threatens to make me homeless. When I said I can’t do that he basically made out I was boring. At the moment I don’t feel like I can win. I feel like I’m lost in a massive forest where everything looks the same and I’m going round in circles. 

I just keep holding onto the fact that in a couple of weeks time I am moving into a home that is just mine and my sons. That we will have a fresh start and a new beginning. My son just told me we will have a new car and a fireman sam! Here’s hoping! 

The end…..for the 100th time

I haven’t blogged in a while because things have been very confusing and I haven’t really known what to say. A, I thought, had he rock bottom. He worked away for a week and spent the whole time basically high and drunk and didn’t really do his job. Although A’s morals are not great his work ethic is one to be jealous of so for him to be messing his job up means he really is in the grip of addictions. Not only that when he came back I found out he had got with another girl whilst he was there. He also found out when he got home that me and my son are moving. 

Funnily enough he then decided he wanted to change, he had the power to do it and he didn’t need anyone else and went into super nice mode. Doing everything around the house, making me lunch and dinner, sending me lovely text messages. Even agreeing to renting a room near by me and my son so he could spend more time with him. Then Friday came and it was sunny and here I am the next morning where he isn’t home and I’ve been threatened with him never supporting us financially ever again. 

A cannot lie to save his life, told me he was one place but I knew he was another and when he is caught out, rather than admitting he makes even more lies. 

I transferred money out of his account but not for myself, to pay our bills. I know when he starts to go on benders he spends money like water flowing through a Sieve. I transferred it so that we could actually pay our rent but he can’t see that. 

Last night was a massive realisation for me that actually A doesn’t care about me at all or have any respect for me so why should I care back. Why should I cry and be stressed? I need to learn to let it go and not affect me anymore but it’s so hard to find out that you have been living with an imposter. An actor has been living in my home and is the father to my child! I know, as a mother, I have to walk away completely this time. I move at the end of the month into a nice little place for me and my son and it’s our fresh start! Because of that fresh start I am going to have more of a positive attitude. So everyday I will list things I am grateful for and put positivity out into the universe whilst A can drink himself into the gutter. 

Things I am grateful for:

My son, my family, my job, my animals, the roof over my head and the food on my table. 

What are you grateful for today? 

Stop crying….you’re pathetic

Is it pathetic to cry? If you cry because you are sad or someone is hurting you are you pathetic to cry? Are you weak? 

I have always been someone that has worn my heart on my sleeve. I will happily cry at Eastenders and not be ashamed of it but lately A has started to make me feel that I’m pathetic because I cry. 

My heart genuinely hurts, it’s hurts for the love I have lost, for the fact my son will never truly have his dad 100% and for the fact that my best friend would rather drink than be happy. I regularly hear him say to ‘stop crying…you’re pathetic’ i know it’s his guilt and every tear that he watches fall ends up in his pool of shamefulness but should he still be saying this to me? 

Some people say this is emotional abuse and I guess in a way it is but no one should ever be made to feel pathetic because they cry. I would never look down on someone because they cried over a sad situation or even a happy one. It’s such a natural human emotion sometimes to a very unnatural situation. 

Is me crying pathetic or is he pathetic for not understanding the hurt he causes? I’m think I’m starting to know the answer to that question…..

Easier said than done…

I’m not naive I know that beating addiction is not an easy thing. I know that an addict has to want to change themselves and understand they have an addiction before changes can actually take place. I suppose sometimes I do fall into the trap of ‘come on there is so much you can do to get help’ I’m not an addict so I can’t begin to understand the hold it has over someone but I still can’t help but have the thoughts of ‘why can’t you get better for us?’

A has started going to meetings on 3 separate occasions and each time after a very insignificant amount of time he stops going as he thinks he is ‘cured’. A still hasn’t come to terms with the fact he will be an addict for the rest of his life. No matter whether he has been clean for years he will always, ultimately, be an addict. 

It hurts me to think that the happiness he feels when he is sober and how much better our family life is, is not enough to make him want to completely stop and do everything in his power to do that. 

I have come to terms with the fact that this relationship needs to end and that myself and my son will be better off not living with A any longer. I think the reason I have stuck around so long is because I have been petrified of what will happen to A if we aren’t around. I have realised that I can’t worry about that anymore because A does not consider us when he is on one of his benders. 

My piece of mind has been robbed on so many occasions and the amount of nights I have cried myself to sleep, well there has been many I haven’t been able to keep count. You see, whilst he is destroying his body and his life he is also destroying his one support system. There comes a point when I have to value myself more and remove myself from a toxic situation. Sunnier days are ahead, I can just about feel the sun on my skin. I just hope that A follows the same path…

Why does it still bother me?

I ask myself all the time why it still affects me that A goes on these benders or says nasty things to me. Why do I still get so worked up over the things he does and says? Sometimes I feel like I’m a pushover and maybe the fact I clearly don’t have respect for myself means he doesn’t have respect for me? 

Sometimes I think no, I’m a good person to stick by you and support you even if it is making me ill. I would have thought after all the things he has done it wouldn’t hurt anymore, it would be like water off a ducks back but it isn’t. I’m getting better at handling the betrayal and the lies but they still cut deep. 

I’m trying to stop this and change my life by listening to speeches about positive thinking. By hoping that if I change my mindset then my life will change. From tomorrow I will be trying to do 7 days of positive thinking…..wish my luck ­čÖé

The guilt apology 

It’s a funny thing apologising because people use it so flippantly. People say sorry when they don’t even mean it…but why? 

For anyone who lives with an alcoholic they may relate to this. You see A doesnt drink from the moment he wakes up; he is what you call a functioning alcoholic. He can work all day but the moment he finished work he feels he has a sense of entitlement to have a drink ‘because he has worked so hard’. That sentence really irritates me! Yes he does manual work but why does that mean he works any harder than me or a nurse or fireman for example. A went on a bender all weekend from Thursday to Sunday. I eventually called him on Sunday to remind him that he has a son and responsibilities and he better get in his car and come back otherwise I would go mad! 

Anyway, once A has enough and is done with his bender I get what is known as the guilty apology. He tells me how sorry he is, how he knows he is a terrible person and how I deserve so much better. He is going to get help and change and how he can’t live without me and my son. I genuinely think for that split second he believes that. He thinks he will change but there is part of him reading off a memorised script as he thinks it will get him back into the house and out the dog house. 

Sometimes he stops drinking for weeks and sometimes it’s days. The thing what he doesn’t realise is that the best form of apology is not the guilty one, it’s changed behaviour. I’m not an addict, I don’t know how difficult it is not to have a drink but surely being with your family forever is more important than going to the pub. 

A has fairweather friends who are there for the drinking but won’t be there when he really needs them, unlike me. 

Someone once said to me don’t make promises when you are happy or a decision when your mad. Well, I don’t think A should speak when hungover. 

Apologies….not sure I trust them!