Sit down and shut your mouth…

I haven’t blogged in a while. Sometimes I just can’t do it because I worry I will jinx myself or I just can’t bring myself to write what’s happened. 

Things have been up and down with A (he’s the addict ex for anyone just reading)! One minute he is kind and helpful and the next he isn’t. We had come to an agreement that when he sees our son he does it sober but it was pointless making that agreement because it just hasn’t happened. 

On top of his issues with alcohol he has also started smoking weed now. He thinks I was born yesterday because when I question him on it he tries to tell me he is just tired. Yeah fucking right! 

Anyway, he didn’t pay me the money for our son the other week so has to give me a large amount this week. We had a massive heart to heart over how the money isn’t for me it’s for our son and let’s try and keep his life as stable as possible. You see I’m a working mum, I work 37.5 hours a week. On top of that I no longer have a car so have to walk for 40 minutes in the morning before I’m even on a train. I explained to A that if he doesn’t pay for our son then I will have to quit my job and go on benefits. That our son wouldn’t be able to go to my childminders house which he loves so much, that I wouldn’t be able to do the things I do for him now and it would disrupt his life even more so than this situation already has. A agreed that our son is separate to any issues we have. Well it seems that view has completely changed. 

Saturday night I went out with my old work colleagues and it’s the first time I have been on a night out since march. I don’t ever go out I always have my son. I get home and A had been looking after my son. My flat was an absolute tip! Despite A sitting there all night with nothing to do he made me flat disgustingly messy. He also called me asking me for money saying the cats had taken the chicken off the side. Queue Sunday morning and I see how bad the flat is, he has taken money off me and is using my food for his lunch. Bearing in mind we don’t live together, aren’t in a relationship and I’m the single parent with rent and bills to pay. So I call him and say that it’s out of order. Well you would think I tortured his whole sodding family! He screamed at me that I was cunt and put the phone down. 

Last night he magically rings me off Facebook, turns out he has taken my kindle, and verbally abuses me for 25 minutes. During that phone call he said the words that I have always though. He told me he didn’t care about our son, didn’t care about me. That I had done it this time and he wouldn’t be giving me anymore money and me and my son could live on the streets and be homeless for all he cared. He told me to shut my fucking mouth like a good little girl. He screamed and screamed at me and when I cried he laughed. Right at that moment I realised that this person had been taken over by addiction so badly that no longer could he be rational, no longer could he see the difference between an innocent child and himself. Right there in that moment he severed any thread I held to remain in a friendship with him for the sake of our son. 

You see, I’m a human and I make mistakes like anyone else but one thing I would never do is choose myself over my son. He will always be first and I will always be last. We deserve better than a half hearted human who thinks it’s ok to kick us when we are down and think that turning up a few days later and apologising will cure everything he has ever done. 

Right there in that moment I let go, I let go of him, of the hurt he caused, of letting him get me upset because holding is more painful than walking away. 

I can be strong, I will be strong and one day I will look back and realise just how strong I am. 

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The olive branch

I haven’t blogged in a while because things have been crazy. Me and A have fully split up and myself and my son now live on our own in a little masionette. A’s addictions have got worse but that’s not really a surprise. 

I can’t remember if I blogged about this before but I fell out with A’s dad when I refused to pay A’s debt off. I didn’t want to pay the debt of someone who I knew would fuck me over. He would forever be that mans son but I couldn’t trust he would be in mine and my sons life. 

Anyway, move to today and at 4.20am his two brothers call me. First of all I thought something bad had happened but then they just kept going on and on about how they were worried about A. It confused me as they never bother. They never come and see my son, never call me to see how we are so I was confused over their sudden interest in someone else’s well being other than their own. 

The phone calls continued for the whole day until we managed to get hold of A. Being a nice person and not wanting to hold a grudge, I offered for one brother and the dad to come to my house with A and see Freddie. I practically ran me and Freddie home, sacrificed my dinner to make sure the house was tidy and sat here with my little boy waiting. 2 hours later I get told they are no longer coming because the brother has turned up blind drunk. Would seem like the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree at all. A can’t see why I am upset, cannot see why I am spitting feathers. 

I’m hurt they couldn’t make the effort for my son. I’m hurt that getting drunk is more important than seeing an innocent little child. I am also massively annoyed with myself for offering that olive brand and allowing that stupid fucking family to affect me again. I sit here watching my little angel sleeping and keep thinking I will never ever let anyone let you down. 

I’ve gone mad over the phone but who wouldn’t? Why should we be put on the back burner. If my family did that I would kick them out and run round to see my son. I wouldn’t sit there all night when I haven’t seen my son for days and turn up when he is asleep just to pick up a charger. 

Tonight I will make a promise to myself to follow my gut and not let people in who I know will just let us down. Tonight I will let the anger go that I feel and realise it is their loss and not mine. Tonight I will finally say goodbye to that family. 

Goodbye and good riddance as I throw that olive branch out the window! 

How do you like your abuse in the morning?….

So this morning I wake up and come downstairs with my little boy and A is still here. When I mention him being paid and us paying the rent you would think I’d just said that I’d murdered his family in the most awful way! Even though he is the one that has got us into massive debt which means we hardly have any money, apparently I’m the big C word! 

He called me that with my little boy in ear shot and screamed at shouted at me at 6.30 this morning. Now I have to go to my parents and ask them to lend me money so I can pay my rent and buy food because A is more interested in having money to be able to go to the pub with his silly little mates. 

Last night he told me he wished I could go to the pub with him and socialise. I’m at a loss here. This man told me 2 weeks ago he felt like he was one step away from dying and that he has an addiction but now that addictions not convienent! Why would I enable him and go and sit down the pub with someone who verbally abuses me and threatens to make me homeless. When I said I can’t do that he basically made out I was boring. At the moment I don’t feel like I can win. I feel like I’m lost in a massive forest where everything looks the same and I’m going round in circles. 

I just keep holding onto the fact that in a couple of weeks time I am moving into a home that is just mine and my sons. That we will have a fresh start and a new beginning. My son just told me we will have a new car and a fireman sam! Here’s hoping! 

Stop crying….you’re pathetic

Is it pathetic to cry? If you cry because you are sad or someone is hurting you are you pathetic to cry? Are you weak? 

I have always been someone that has worn my heart on my sleeve. I will happily cry at Eastenders and not be ashamed of it but lately A has started to make me feel that I’m pathetic because I cry. 

My heart genuinely hurts, it’s hurts for the love I have lost, for the fact my son will never truly have his dad 100% and for the fact that my best friend would rather drink than be happy. I regularly hear him say to ‘stop crying…you’re pathetic’ i know it’s his guilt and every tear that he watches fall ends up in his pool of shamefulness but should he still be saying this to me? 

Some people say this is emotional abuse and I guess in a way it is but no one should ever be made to feel pathetic because they cry. I would never look down on someone because they cried over a sad situation or even a happy one. It’s such a natural human emotion sometimes to a very unnatural situation. 

Is me crying pathetic or is he pathetic for not understanding the hurt he causes? I’m think I’m starting to know the answer to that question…..

Easier said than done…

I’m not naive I know that beating addiction is not an easy thing. I know that an addict has to want to change themselves and understand they have an addiction before changes can actually take place. I suppose sometimes I do fall into the trap of ‘come on there is so much you can do to get help’ I’m not an addict so I can’t begin to understand the hold it has over someone but I still can’t help but have the thoughts of ‘why can’t you get better for us?’

A has started going to meetings on 3 separate occasions and each time after a very insignificant amount of time he stops going as he thinks he is ‘cured’. A still hasn’t come to terms with the fact he will be an addict for the rest of his life. No matter whether he has been clean for years he will always, ultimately, be an addict. 

It hurts me to think that the happiness he feels when he is sober and how much better our family life is, is not enough to make him want to completely stop and do everything in his power to do that. 

I have come to terms with the fact that this relationship needs to end and that myself and my son will be better off not living with A any longer. I think the reason I have stuck around so long is because I have been petrified of what will happen to A if we aren’t around. I have realised that I can’t worry about that anymore because A does not consider us when he is on one of his benders. 

My piece of mind has been robbed on so many occasions and the amount of nights I have cried myself to sleep, well there has been many I haven’t been able to keep count. You see, whilst he is destroying his body and his life he is also destroying his one support system. There comes a point when I have to value myself more and remove myself from a toxic situation. Sunnier days are ahead, I can just about feel the sun on my skin. I just hope that A follows the same path…

Why does it still bother me?

I ask myself all the time why it still affects me that A goes on these benders or says nasty things to me. Why do I still get so worked up over the things he does and says? Sometimes I feel like I’m a pushover and maybe the fact I clearly don’t have respect for myself means he doesn’t have respect for me? 

Sometimes I think no, I’m a good person to stick by you and support you even if it is making me ill. I would have thought after all the things he has done it wouldn’t hurt anymore, it would be like water off a ducks back but it isn’t. I’m getting better at handling the betrayal and the lies but they still cut deep. 

I’m trying to stop this and change my life by listening to speeches about positive thinking. By hoping that if I change my mindset then my life will change. From tomorrow I will be trying to do 7 days of positive thinking…..wish my luck 🙂

Why am I not good enough? 

So A is still on his bender! Last night he threatened me with not paying towards the rent and making me and my son homeless if I didn’t transfer money straight away. Apparently I’m a psycho bitch as well which is nice and he can do what he wants. 

It’s funny because when someone has an addiction and they are so involved in their addiction they see you as the bad person. A sees me as a bad person because I’m trying to help him. I’m trying to make it so he still has his son in his life. I don’t have an addiction so I don’t understand the power of it but if I thought I would lose my son and I would my shit out pretty sharpish. 

I spent some time last night wondering why I’m not good enough? Why doesn’t he want to change to make me and My son happy? Why is our love not strong enough to make him see how lucky he is? And then I realised it isn’t me! I am good enough! He is the one with the problem. He is the one with the beer goggles on. 

I don’t think A realises that if he continues like this he will be on his own for a very long time. Either that or he will find someone who is weak and vulnerable that he can spin a load of bullshit to. 

What hurts me the most though is that it feels like he doesn’t care about my son at all. That having that drink or potentially that line gives him more satisfaction than seeing my son laugh or getting a cuddle off him. 

Then again, I guess that’s addiction for you?